FAO Schwartz Toccata and Fugue in D Minor

Health & Fitness: The Road to 40 (Final Week)

Well, it’s only a couple of days until I reach that big Four-Oh.

December was a disaster in the fitness category. Not only did I have the whole emergency room crap from November carry over into physically not feeling well at all in December (I still think I severely pulled several core muscles), but I also was rather weak in resisting the sugar and fat that the holidays bring in the way of food (desert specifically).

January faired a little better but I still fell way short of the mark. This brings us the February. Yep, no more time left on the Road to 40. I am definitely in much better shape than when I started several years back. However, I’d have to say I was at my peak physically in November and have gone down hill just a little since then. It's too bad that I did not obtain the six-pack I want but there is still time in life I guess. Besides, if my body was perfect now, where would I go from here?

My goal for this year (the big Four-Oh) is to get back into five days at the gym every week. On top of that, a six-pack by summertime would be cool. We’ll just have to wait and see now won’t we.

One of these days, I’ll put up “before” and “after” pictures to show how far I actually have gone.

"The universe is simply making the changes for you since you didn't initiate it."

- D L

From a conversation regarding my topsy-turvy life.

Moon Phases

Prop 8 - The Musical

Written by Marc Shaiman, the Tony-winning composer of “Hairspray” and “South Park: Bigger, Longer & Uncut.”

See more Jack Black videos at Funny or Die

Saturday Night 'Fun'

It seems like it's always something these days to keep me from the gym. First I got that little bitch of a bug that was going around. Usually I can win the fight in a day or so but this time, the bastard hung on and it took two weeks to get rid of it; all the while, no workouts. I finally kicked it to the curb and was trying to get back into the whole gym thing and then bam, this weekend threw me a major curveball.

Saturday night around 10 pm, I started to have abdominal pain. This has happened on and off for over a year now but I assumed it was just bloating since it'd go away after no more than an hour. Unfortunately, this night was different. The pain continued to get worse to the point that I figured I'd best get the professionals to look into it.

I got in my car (yeah, I know, shouldn't have driven myself) and went to the emergency room at the University of Washington Medical Center. Well, that was my second mistake of the night. It turns out that they are rather busy the night of a football game so there was no room at the inn. I checked in and spent the next two hours in the waiting area moaning in pain.

I couldn't sit for any length of time nor could I stand because the pain would hit me hard in any one position. At one point, I was crouched on the floor rocking back and forth moaning when some guy who was also waiting walked by and asked, "Are you alright dude?" Hahaha, am I alright? Of course you idget! I just love to go down to the local emergency room and moan my heart out for two hours straight just for fun! Am I alright! The only thing I could muster was an icy stare.

The problem I have with pain isn't so much the pain itself, it's the needed self control. I'm like a wounded animal. The best anyone who doesn't have some pretty potent pain killers can do is just stay out of biting range; and lord knows, I'll bite.

As time ticked away, the pain got worse and I was the only one there making a scene. I knew I wouldn't be able to sit quietly waiting for my turn so I was standing, crouching, and pacing by the entrance a little away from the actual seating area. However, I'm sure they could all hear me from there.

No one else appeared to be in pain yet I got to "politely" wait my turn. After each person’s name was called (none of whom looked to be in any pain mind you), I let out a little moan of defeat. Tick, tock, tock and tick, time slowly moved forward until there was just me and the guy who came in after me left in the waiting area.

They finally called my name after two hours of waiting. True to form, they show me to a room, gave me that little hospital gown to change into, and left.......... for another (what seemed like) ten minutes. When they did come back, they start to actually realize that I was in pain so they gave me Morphine which did absolutely nothing to help. It took them another five minutes to figure that out at which point they brought out the good stuff and solved the whole pain thing in one injection. A little side effect with this stuff was that I got real dizzy (combine that with the fact that it was now almost 2 am).

Over the next couple of hours, they took x-rays of my chest and abdomen, shot me up twice more with that pain killer (it kept wearing off), and took a CAT scan of my abdomen. Their conclusion, it’s a good chance I have an ulcer. I was released around 6 am and drove home (the third mistake of the night). I was so tired and groggy from the drugs and being up all night that I'm surprised they even left me drive. And yes, they had asked earlier how I was getting home; out of sight out of mind I guess.

Well, I made it in one piece and slept the rest of Sunday. I tried to go into work on Monday but only survived one hour before I went home sick since I had left the pain killers they prescribed to me at home. I saw my regular doctor on Tuesday and didn't even bother going into work. The doctor took some blood to test for the ulcer and will let me know. In the mean time, I get to pop a damn pill every day for 3 months now. And here I thought I was doing so well on the whole health thing. Bah!

So Wednesday I went back to work but found it hard to concentrate since my lower back, butt, and legs were hurting something fierce (probably strained them by overcompensating for the abdominal pain). And this brings us to today; feeling much better now, thank you. Even the muscles are starting to play nicely now (though, they still hurt). Hopefully this will all be history come next week so I can get my fat ass back to the gym.

Update (2008.11.21): I got the blood results back and everything was normal so no ulcer. That's good news but annoying because I still don't know what caused the pain intense enough to send me to the emergency room.

Update (2008.11.25): I just love the medical industry; it's like trying to pull teeth to get any information out of them. I was finally able to talk with my doctor's assistant today. She was the liaison between me and the doctor (guess my doctor had her ‘people’ call my ‘people’, problem is, I have no ‘people’). After two separate phone conversations, it turns out that even though the blood work was normal, it’s still a good chance I do have an ulcer. Combine that with the acid reflex issues I’ve had for many years and, according to the doc, that would be what caused the intense pain. I’m skeptical though.

Coldplay Viva La Vida

Right on Target

Over the weekend, an old friend of mine was visiting from out of town. He used to be a sniper in the Singapore Army and over the years, we've talked about going to a gun range. I've never shot a gun (with real bullets that is) so it has been one of the many things on my to-do list.

Well, Saturday, that all changed. We went to Wade's Eastside Guns in Bellevue for a bit of target practice. I was rather nervous because most everyone I've spoken to over the years commented on the recoil and how is makes your hand sore after awhile. Well, it turns out, the sound was worse than the bite. I didn't have any problem with it.

We (well, my friend actually) picked the SIG P220 which is a semi-automatic pistol that fires 9 mm bullets; very cool. If I had a local friend who wanted to shoot a lot, I'd actually look into buying my own gun (not necessarily the P220 though).

Anyway, I did rather well for my first time and yes, I brought a spend casing as well as my target home. So does this make me a God fearin', real-American, patriotic Republican now?

Tōrō Nagashi (灯籠流し), From Hiroshima to Hope

Last night, I attended the Tōrō Nagashi (灯籠流し) ceremony From Hiroshima to Hope at Green Lake. This is a Japanese lantern floating ceremony to commemorate those lost at Hiroshima and Nagasaki. The lanterns are a way to guide spirits of the departed back to the other world and some believe that they represent our bodies returning to the water from which we came. The ceremony was a solemn yet beautiful occasion.

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"An eye for an eye makes the whole world blind."

- Mahatama Gandhi

Weekend Fun Vancouver, BC

This last weekend I took the last of my planned mini-vacations. This time, the destination was Vancouver, BC. My friend Fred joined me for the trip.

Friday
We both took Friday off from work and made the drive up from Seattle. Surprisingly, there was little traffic, even at the border; it took us "only" 45 minutes to get through.

We stayed at the Sheraton Wall Centre on Burrard Street. I actually like this hotel since it’s centrally located and easy to get to. In addition, the rooms are well kept and the staff is friendly. My only complaint is that their gym is stocked with older equipment that is not very good.

After checking into the hotel, we walked to H&M since Fred wanted to get some jeans. Well, he found a pair he liked but they didn't have his size. On a whim, I tried them on and they fit so I ended up buying them. I felt rather bad about getting the same pair he wanted but I was assured that it was not a problem (we’ll see if he “accidentally” spills red wine all over them next time I wear them). After that, we checked out a couple of other shops but didn’t find any jeans Fred liked so we went back to the hotel.

That evening we met up with Derek and Doug for dinner; yup, the same Vancouver friends I met while in Portland (I think they are stalking me). As always, it's great to visit with them. After dinner, Derek had to run to a meeting so Doug, Fred, and I walked the “loop” from Davie to Denman, then on to Robson St where we continued to look for Fred’s elusive jeans. He ended up getting a pair at American Eagle Outfitters that he was OK with; he still wanted to look later for a better pair.

After the stores closed, we looped onto Burrard and stopped by the hotel so we could change into bar clothes (yeah, we’re gay). Doug still had some time before meeting back up with Derek so the three of us ended up back at the place we had dinner; only this time for drinks. After Doug left, Fred and I ended up staying there for the rest of the evening just talking and drinking. It was actually very nice.

Saturday
The next morning, Fred and I walked down to Milestone’s on Denman for breakfast. Nice place and pretty good mimosas; food’s not bad either.

It’s a State of Mind… I guess
So the night before, while walking back to the hotel on Davie St, we saw an interesting shirt in the window display of this little hole-in-the-wall shop. After breakfast, we headed back up the street to that shop. Some lady was fussing with the carpet and a step ladder in the entry way. When she saw us… correction, when she saw Fred looking, she quickly ushered us inside. This is where the fun began.

She introduced herself as Linda K, the proprietor of the establishment (named State of Mind), and continued talking the entire time we were there. I’ll hand it to her; she has an eye for sizes (she guessed Fred’s waist and inseam). Without missing a beat, she grabbed some jeans and told Fred to go put them on, all the while complimenting him on his model body (which he has) and that she doesn’t get very many people looking that good. Of course, her trademark complaint about Vancouver having no fashion sense made it into the mix as well; apparently, she has quite the following (complaints) on the internet. My favorite comment on that thread is, “Sounds like the clothing equivalent of the Soup Nazi. The Clothes Nazi of Davie Street......LOL!”

In the 45 minutes that she would not let us get a word in edgewise, she slammed Vancouverites (no fashion sense), gays (too stuck up to buy from her... oh, and no fashion sense), two groups of people who tried to enter the store (she shoed them away saying she was already booked up), mass produced clothes (as if everyone is rich enough to afford hand stitched clothing from Europe), the chain clothing stores on Robson Street (they sell crap), and most importantly, me (she said I had an “athletic” shape, which is code for too bulky ← just kidding, I took no offence).

She had some nice stuff that she dressed Fred in; he looked fabulous. Her mistake came in her last attempt which was this nasty pink and purple, white striped, preppy long sleeved pullover; not good at all for Fred’s personality. Yuck!

So she ends the “session” by laying out all the clothes she made Fred put on, points to each saying what they cost, then looking at Fred asking which ones he was going to buy. I had noticed earlier there were no price tags on anything so that usually indicates it’s too pricy and I was right. Fred was nice about it and said he needed time to thing about it. This got an immediate reaction from Linda ‘cause she actually did the stereotypical, “You come back tomorrow, I can’t guarantee it’ll still be here.”

If she had actually stopped talking for one second when she pulled us into the store, we would have been able to tell her our limits and that would have saved her a lot of “wasted” time.

As we walked back to Robson Street, we joked, “thanks for the free fashion advice Linda, now let’s go look for the same style but cheaper at those chain stores you mentioned.”

Shopping the Day Away
After Linda, no sales associate could live up to our expectations… ha ha. We checked out most of the stores along Robson Street as well as in the mall; still no jeans for Fred. However, I came to the conclusion that since I wore my one and only t-shirt fit for the bars the previous night, I could not wear it again this night; that would have been tacky. Also, we were scheduled to attend a fireworks party so I wanted to dress a little for it.

Now we had Fred looking for that elusive pair of jeans and me looking for some sort of shirt that was not too casual but not to dressy either; I felt like Goldie Locks. God I am so gay needing a new outfit at every turn. Well, once again, Fred to the rescue, he found a nice little polo style from Guess for me; it fit well too. Of all places, we were in Sears, can you believe it (yeah I know, how “down market” and I’m sure it sent a shiver up Linda’s back when we walk inside as well). I’m still waiting for the bill from Fred for being my fashion advisor; somehow, I don’t think I can afford his rates since he’s got a good eye.

Celebration of Light; a party!
As I have done every year for over a decade, the real reason for visiting Vancouver this fine weekend was to attend the fireworks competition. This year, a friend of Doug and Derek’s was hosting a fireworks party and did an extended invitation for Fred and myself to join. This guy is a hoot and knows how to throw a party; had tones of great food as well. Much to my disappointment (and used as the butt of many jokes), the show sucked. This night, it was the U.S.A. who was performing. Even though it was their first time in the competition, they still botched the whole thing; someone forgot to tell then that they needed to synchronize their fireworks with the music. At one point during the show, someone asked the host if he was sure he had the right radio station tuned into for the simulcast. Of course, that opened a round of laughter.

The night was a lot of fun; yes, even that crappy excuse for an attempted fireworks show by the US was fun (on a humorous side). It was nice to talk to everyone there. Finally, it got late enough that we left and headed back to the hotel to bed.

Sunday
Sunday brought no jeans search. Fred and I got up rather late, showered, packed, and grabbed breakfast at Joe’s Grill on Davie Street.

We left town early afternoon heading back to Seattle. Surprisingly, the border crossing only took about 45 minutes again. We did hit a bit of traffic around Everett but overall, the drive was pretty quick.

Conclusion
As always, I love going up for a visit to Vancouver. It’s such a friendly city. Of course, Doug and Derek are always great to visit with as well.

Overall, it was a nice relaxing trip.

Wake Up!

Wow, I don't know if it's because I had a busy weekend, the change in weather, or if I'm fighting a bug. I have had little energy the last couple of days. This all came to a head this morning when I overslept (I don't even remember turning off my alarm clock); so much for working out today. Unfortunately, tomorrow I will be on the road again so no workout there as well.

While my weight is pretty consistent at around 194 lbs these days, my body fat is still on the higher side (for my taste). I had hoped to have it down by 5% by the time this coming trip happened but instead, it's only down by about 3%; so much for those washboards.

Oh well, I still have a little over 6 months left in order to rectify that problem. I have half a mind to start bodybuilding for a competition; standing in front of a crowd in just a little posing trunk would be a great motivator (oh, the embarrassment).

Weekend Fates Portland, Oregon

Well my trip to Portland actually turned out quite well even as the fates conspired against me.

Friday Afternoon
It all started Friday afternoon; well, 1:00 pm to be exact. As indicated earlier, I took half a day off from work so that I could drive down to Portland and make it in time for dinner. So I left work and proceeded to go to the bus tunnel for my commute home. However, the gates into the tunnel were all locked. I tried another entrance a block away and it was closed up tight as well. Now I'm sweating bullets because I had less than a minute to get into the tunnel before my bus was scheduled to arrive. I found a listing that showed the street the bus would run on if the tunnel was closed and so on a whim I went to that stop instead. Even though I was late getting there, the bus was even later. I turns out that the tunnel had been evacuated and all the busses were running aboveground on their weekend routes. This put me only 10 minutes behind schedule so I was relieved.

So, I'm sitting on the bus playing around with my JasJar and one of the kids (college students) facing me from across the aisle asks about it. We all (there were three in his group) end up chatting the entire trip to the University District about the PDA as well as college classes in general. Very nice kids actually (kind of blows the stereotype that they are all punks doesn't it). It was looking to be a good weekend.

Interstate 5
I finally get home, finish packing, load up the car, stop at Starbucks for a coffee to go, and hit the freeway. No sooner do I get on the onramp then everything comes to a screeching halt. The freeway was a parking lot; it took me over 30 minutes just to get from Green Lake to downtown Seattle. Ack! It turns out there was an accident right past downtown that had backed up traffic for miles.

Traffic finally got up to speed after that but came to a halt not much farther south; another accident. Again, we crawl along until we all passed that one, got back up to speed again only to come to a halt again. This seemed to be repeated in ad nauseam. My normal 45 minute drive to Tacoma took me over 2 hours... by that time I should have been past Centralia. All the while, my mood never went south for which I am eternally grateful.

We all finally blow past the last accident and every single one of us sped along at 90 mph for most of the distance between Olympia and Kelso/Longview. Unfortunately, a state trooper entered the freeway just in front of us just before Kelso so everyone slowed down to the obligatory 70 mph. Still, even as the fates conspired against me during that drive, I didn't loose my cool.

By now, I had called my friend Frank (the one I was visiting) to let him know I was not going to make it for dinner. However, he said he'd wait until I got there and we'd still go eat. We were also going to meet up with some friends (Doug and Derek) who were down from Vancouver, BC. When I got a hold of them, they too said it was no problem waiting until I got there even though I suggested just meeting for drinks when I got into town. It was nice that they all still wanted to meet for dinner even though it was going to be 2 hours later than originally planned.

Portland
I pull up to Frank’s place around 7:00 pm (originally was to be 5:30 pm). It turns out that this was the weekend of the Portland International Beerfest so there was no street parking. We ended up squeezing my car in next to his in the parking garage (the spots seemed to be built only for Volkswagen Bugs I think). At one point, the driver's side of my car was less than half an inch from the column. Pretty funny actually. What is not showing in this picture is the fact that there is a concrete wall just behind where I was standing to take the shot; made it impossible to get a straight-in angle.

Friday Night
So the four of us meet up for dinner at the nice little Greek place and then went out to see some boys strip at one of the clubs. The only thing negative about the clubs in Portland is that they still smoke there. I got used to having smoke-free clubs in Seattle and Vancouver so this was an interesting experience.

Saturday
After a late night, Frank and I woke up late Saturday morning; so much for grabbing breakfast. We just walked up to Starbucks (now there’s a surprise). It turns out that Doug and Derek were sitting there drinking their coffee (my, what a small world). After a nice chat, I had to run so I could make it out to the family picnic in time.

The picnic was actually very nice. I got to talk with some cousins that I have not seen in quite awhile as well as some relatives who had come out from Montana. Normally I am not much of a “family” man but I guess as I get older, I am slowly beginning to understand the importance of family. I had originally intended to spend only 3 hours there but ended up staying past 4.

Saturday Night
That evening, all four of us met up again for dinner. This time we went to the Deschutes Brewery & Public House. The place just opened in May and is already a hit in Portland. I do have to say that of all the pubs I’ve been to, this one actually had awesome food… even their basic “pub food” was above par. It turned out to be a cliché night of great food, great company.

After dinner, we all took a walk along the riverfront. The night was warm and the stars were out. Finally, the moon rose above the horizon just as we were going to head back into downtown. By chance, I glanced up and noticed a bright light heading northeast. No flashing light on it so it was not a plane and it was too bright to be a satellite; I concluded it was the International Space Station.

Ironically, the week before I had looked up sighting possibilities in Seattle for the ISS because I wanted to take a look while the weather held out. Little did I know that by accident I would get to see it without having to stay up late or get up early. Very cool!

So after we all debated its identity and after it flew out of sight, we walked through downtown back to the clubs. More drinks and a little bit of dancing later, we parted ways.

I always enjoy spending time with Frank as well as Doug and Derek so the weekend was awesome with all of them in the same city.

Sunday
Sunday, Frank and I grabbed a late breakfast and then went up to his favorite weekend Starbucks. We sat for some time talking over coffee and the newspaper. A nice relaxing day.

I finally got on the road for the drive back to Seattle in the afternoon. The sun was out; traffic was flowing… uh, until Centralia where there were two accidents back to back. I hit more traffic just north of Olympia which lasted all the way through Tacoma. Again, my drive took more than 4 hours (it’s usually a 3 hour drive maximum).

What is up with those travel times? I’d have thought that with gas prices the way they are, there would be less people on the road; obviously not. My next trip to Portland will definitely be on the train.

What A (Nice) Difference A Day Makes

Well, today is better… yay! I’m sure it has nothing to do with the fact that I had a last minute date last night that allowed me to move on and not stew on the past.

The date went well enough… uh, ok, better than that but I will not go into details since there are children present. Anyway, we’ll see if this continues or not.

I’m doing a half day at work today and then getting the hell out of Dodge. Other than hitting rush hour traffic in Portland this afternoon, this weekend should be pretty fun; I’m looking forward to seeing my friends down there.

One side note, I do have to attend a family picnic down there midday Saturday, but I’m sure that will be a decent gathering so it shouldn’t be a downer.

What A (Lousy) Difference A Day Makes

Yesterday I was on cloud nine coming off the climb the night before. Not any more. Today has turned out to be one big downer.

Last night I joined two friends for beer and food. Things didn’t go very well. First off, the conversation was mostly on topics I knew nothing about so I just drank in an effort to “liven” up. The only thing I ended up doing was getting sick to my stomach.

The three of us went for a walk after dinner but that faired no better. The sidewalks in that area are not build for three to walk abreast so, as usual, I was the third man out and had to walk behind. Other than the fact that it pretty much leaves me out of any conversation, trying to hear and understand what is being said from the back takes way too much concentration; all that trying to piece together the words I do hear into coherent sentences and stuff.

So combine that with a sick stomach and you get a not-so-fast walk. I kept falling behind but their pace did not slow. I only caught up when one of them would stop to look at plants along the way (which luckily he did several times). By then I was definitely feeling like a third wheel. We parted ways when they wanted to go for dessert.

Enter today. My whole mood is down now. I’ve been spending way too much time in introspection trying to figure out what I could have done differently. Obviously, my first mistake was to drink too much with the type of food I was eating. However, how does one enter a conversation they have nothing to add to? How does one take part in a conversation that they only hear bits and pieces of? It’s not in my nature to fight to be at the front of the line so I always end up in the back. Oh well, I'm sure it's all my fault (it always is).

The bottom line, though, is that I’m pissed with myself for letting all this bother me. This was a great week and was going to be a great weekend (I’m going out of town to visit some friends). I need to get my shit together so it doesn’t ruin anymore days this week. I'm hoping that by writing about it I can work through it; we'll see.

"Behold the turtle. He makes progress
only when he sticks his neck out."

- James Bryant Conant

Exit 38 - Gritscone

Fantastic! Cool! Unreal!

These are just a couple of words to express my experience last night. As mentioned earlier, a couple of us from the climbing class went up Snoqualmie to do some outdoor climbing.

One of the guys has been climbing for a year now and is really into it. He is in the Reserves and is up from Oregon doing his duty at McChord. Anyway, he took us up to Gritscone off Exit 38. This is a pretty easy rock but one has to start someplace.

One of my concerns was that my grip would not hold out but much to my surprise, my hands hardened to the task pretty quickly. That's not to say that I'm not feeling aches and pains today. Actually, my forearms are quite beside themselves at the moment.

The only downside to all of this is that I had to cut my workout down a bit today. Chest and arms were on the schedule but my forearms had a different plan. Ouch! Tomorrow will be no better since shoulders and back are on the schedule; more use of those forearms. I’ll just lower the weight like I did today and see where it goes.

I still have a hard time believing that I have come so far in a short amount of time. Usually when I pick up a new sport or hobby, it takes awhile to get up to speed. This time I attended two climbing classes, met new friends, and the got some real world experience in the mountains all within a week and one day. How unreal is that?

Climbing 201

Well, the second climbing class at REI is finished. This was an extremely fun experience though I am definitely sore today. The 201 class covered climbing techniques so we didn’t belay, we just bouldered. Belaying is when you climb up the face while tied in to a belayer; bouldering is when you climb sideways without gaining much height and not being tied in. Bouldering allows you to practice moves in such a way that you don’t have to worry about falling very far.

I have to say that this was a nice workout; I used muscles that are not generally hit in the gym. However, I was glad that I had been working out because the extra strength definitely paid off. My weak point is my grip; I can barely type this post on my keyboard right now.

Of all the things we worked on, I’d say my favorite was the Hip Roll. This is where you use your body in such a way (by rotating your hip) to make climbing through overhangs easier. It takes a little to get used to having your body parallel to the ground while hanging off an overhang with nothing but air beneath you. My grip was the first to give out so I only made it to the first hold on the vertical face past the overhang… besides, the footing on that transition was tricky… oh, and considering the fact that this was the first time I tried it, I think I did quite well.

So, where do I go from here? First off, by attending the classes, they gave us a coupon (one per class) for a free climb on the Pinnacle. I’ll definitely redeem those in the coming weeks. Also, a couple of us from the class are heading up Snoqualmie Pass this afternoon to do some outdoor climbing on real rocks (one of the guys has the equipment). I hope I can get a little strength back in my grip before we get there though.

Next order of business is to get some climbing shoes. Damn, there’s those shoes again; what is it with me and shoes!!!!

Climbing Up in The World

I think I have a new interest! No, not that kind; I’m still single. This one is rock climbing. Ever since REI’s flagship store was built in Seattle, their climbing Pinnacle has intrigued me. Friends who were interested as well have come and gone yet no one ever actually followed through with their promise that “we should go try it out.”

Well, enough on waiting for someone to do it with. I ventured out on my own and registered for the beginners class they offer; Climbing 101. This was Monday. What a fun activity. We learned how to tie the required knots, belaying, and other procedures as well.

Belaying is rather hard on the neck but pretty fun in and of itself. We paired off into groups of two and then one would climb while the other would belay. To give us “practice” and a feel for all aspects of belaying, the instructors had the climber intentionally fall so that the belayer could catch them. It was rather fun jumping without warning out into space halfway up the Pinnacle.

I was curious whether I’d have a problem with the height but I didn’t. While out on a mountain, I have no problem walking right up to the edge of a cliff and sitting down with my feet dangling over. However, when in the city, I would never be able to do that in a high rise… even floor to ceiling windows give me fits sometimes; very strange.

The next class is this coming Monday and will be Climbing 201. This will work on technique. I’m looking forward to it.

The Lost Bible Chapter

February 1997 Atlantic Monthly

by Ian Frazier

Laws Concerning Food and Drink; Household Principles; Lamentations of the Father

Of the beasts of the field, and of the fishes of the sea, and of all foods that are acceptable in my sight you may eat, but not in the living room. Of the hoofed animals, broiled or ground into burgers, you may eat, but not in the living room. Of the cloven-hoofed animal, plain or with cheese, you may eat, but not in the living room. Of the cereal grains, of the corn and of the wheat and of the oats, and of all the cereals that are of bright color and unknown provenance you may eat, but not in the living room. Of the quiescently frozen dessert and of all frozen after-meal treats you may eat, but absolutely not in the living room. Of the juices and other beverages, yes, even of those in sippy-cups, you may drink, but not in the living room, neither may you carry such therein. Indeed, when you reach the place where the living room carpet begins, of any food or beverage there you may not eat, neither may you drink.

But if you are sick, and are lying down and watching something, then may you eat in the living room.

And if you are seated in your high chair, or in a chair such as a greater person might use, keep your legs and feet below you as they were. Neither raise up your knees, nor place your feet upon the table, for that is an abomination to me. Yes, even when you have an interesting bandage to show, your feet upon the table are an abomination, and worthy of rebuke. Drink your milk as it is given you, neither use on it any utensils, nor fork, nor knife, nor spoon, for that is not what they are for; if you will dip your blocks in the milk, and lick it off, you will be sent away. When you have drunk, let the empty cup then remain upon the table, and do not bite it upon its edge and by your teeth hold it to your face in order to make noises in it sounding like a duck; for you will be sent away.

When you chew your food, keep your mouth closed until you have swallowed, and do not open it to show your brother or your sister what is within; I say to you, do not so, even if your brother or your sister has done the same to you. Eat your food only; do not eat that which is not food; neither seize the table between your jaws, nor use the raiment of the table to wipe your lips. I say again to you, do not touch it, but leave it as it is. And though your stick of carrot does indeed resemble a marker, draw not with it upon the table, even in pretend, for we do not do that, that is why. And though the pieces of broccoli are very like small trees, do not stand them upright to make a forest, because we do not do that, that is why. Sit just as I have told you, and do not lean to one side or the other, nor slide down until you are nearly slid away. Heed me; for if you sit like that, your hair will go into the syrup. And now behold, even as I have said, it has come to pass.

Laws Pertaining to Dessert

For we judge between the plate that is unclean and the plate that is clean, saying first, if the plate is clean, then you shall have dessert. But of the unclean plate, the laws are these: If you have eaten most of your meat, and two bites of your peas with each bite consisting of not less than three peas each, or in total six peas, eaten where I can see, and you have also eaten enough of your potatoes to fill two forks, both forkfuls eaten where I can see, then you shall have dessert. But if you eat a lesser number of peas, and yet you eat the potatoes, still you shall not have dessert; and if you eat the peas, yet leave the potatoes uneaten, you shall not have dessert, no, not even a small portion thereof. And if you try to deceive by moving the potatoes or peas around with a fork, that it may appear you have eaten what you have not, you will fall into iniquity. And I will know, and you shall have no dessert.

On Screaming

Do not scream; for it is as if you scream all the time. If you are given a plate on which two foods you do not wish to touch each other are touching each other, your voice rises up even to the ceiling, while you point to the offense with the finger of your right hand; but I say to you, scream not, only remonstrate gently with the server, that the server may correct the fault. Likewise if you receive a portion of fish from which every piece of herbal seasoning has not been scraped off, and the herbal seasoning is loathsome to you, and steeped in vileness, again I say, refrain from screaming. Though the vileness overwhelm you, and cause you a faint unto death, make not that sound from within your throat, neither cover your face, nor press your fingers to your nose. For even now I have made the fish as it should be; behold, I eat of it myself, yet do not die.

Concerning Face and Hands

Cast your countenance upward to the light, and lift your eyes to the hills, that I may more easily wash you off. For the stains are upon you; even to the very back of your head, there is rice thereon. And in the breast pocket of your garment, and upon the tie of your shoe, rice and other fragments are distributed in a manner wonderful to see. Only hold yourself still; hold still, I say. Give each finger in its turn for my examination thereof, and also each thumb. Lo, how iniquitous they appear. What I do is as it must be; and you shall not go hence until I have done.

Various Other Laws, Statutes, and Ordinances

Bite not, lest you be cast into quiet time. Neither drink of your own bath water, nor of bath water of any kind; nor rub your feet on bread, even if it be in the package; nor rub yourself against cars, nor against any building; nor eat sand.

Leave the cat alone, for what has the cat done, that you should so afflict it with tape? And hum not that humming in your nose as I read, nor stand between the light and the book. Indeed, you will drive me to madness. Nor forget what I said about the tape.

Complaints and Lamentations

O my children, you are disobedient. For when I tell you what you must do, you argue and dispute hotly even to the littlest detail; and when I do not accede, you cry out, and hit and kick. Yes, and even sometimes do you spit, and shout "stupid-head" and other blasphemies, and hit and kick the wall and the molding thereof when you are sent to the corner. And though the law teaches that no one shall be sent to the corner for more minutes than he has years of age, yet I would leave you there all day, so mighty am I in anger. But upon being sent to the corner you ask straightaway, "Can I come out?" and I reply, "No, you may not come out." And again you ask, and again I give the same reply. But when you ask again a third time, then you may come out.

Hear me, O my children, for the bills they kill me. I pay and pay again, even to the twelfth time in a year, and yet again they mount higher than before. For our health, that we may be covered, I give six hundred and twenty talents twelve times in a year; but even this covers not the fifteen hundred deductible for each member of the family within a calendar year. And yet for ordinary visits we still are not covered, nor for many medicines, nor for the teeth within our mouths. Guess not at what rage is in my mind, for surely you cannot know.

For I will come to you at the first of the month and at the fifteenth of the month with the bills and a great whining and moan. And when the month of taxes comes, I will decry the wrong and unfairness of it, and mourn with wine and ashtrays, and rend my receipts. And you shall remember that I am that I am: before, after, and until you are twenty-one. Hear me then, and avoid me in my wrath, O children of me.