Of Abandonment and Dreams

Well, this morning was rather tasking. I woke myself up with a whimper.

It turns out I had another dream about my long dead cat Reggie. This time (yes, I've had several now), I was in an alley trying to find something I had accidentally thrown away in the trash. So as I'm rummaging through the trash bin, some lady walks by and ends up picking up one of the stray cats (there were two that I was aware of in the dream)... anyway, the cat starts to hiss at the other one as the lady draws near me. It's then that I notice that I recognize the cat, it was Reggie and he was scared. I held out my hand and he sniffed it and calmed down; he still recognized me.

It turns out that the backstory (yes, I get complicated dreams sometimes) of the dream was that I had to give Reggie away for some reason. But I also deduced that the new owners had abandoned him and so he was a stray now. It broke my heart in the dream to where I started to whimper thus waking me up with tears in my eyes.

I wonder when/if time will smooth this one over since obviously my subconscious still has issues regarding Reggie.

One Year

The passing of a friend closes one path and opens another. Whether one chooses to take that new path or wonder aimlessly at the trailhead is not always an easy choice. Some of us, to quote Elton John, “fall by the wayside and some of us soar to the stars.”

I find that I have started on the new path that was opened when Reggie died but am not walking very fast. Luckily, while I have not soared to the stars, I have not entirely fallen by the wayside either. It is a difficult path but one that must be followed not only for my sanity but also for my health.

I know it’s stupid to have so much emotion wrapped up in a pet but after living with that pet for 14 years, one becomes attached. When they pass on, a hole is left that is hard to fill especially if one lives alone. I have tried to occupy my time so that the rough edges of that hole are smoothed; I have attempted to “move on.” However, sometimes I feel guilty that I have “moved on” and do not think of him every day; a rather vicious cycle.

Today marks one year since that fateful snowy day. What a difference a year makes but I do miss him and the moment of his death is still fresh in my mind.

Rest in peace my friend.

And So It Begins

One year ago today was the beginning of the end. This was the date that I took Reggie to the vet out of concern for his health since he had not been eating much for several days before.

Tomorrow will be the 6th which last year fell on a Saturday. I woke up to find that Reggie did not have control of his hind legs so I rushed him to the emergency vet. For six more days, he stayed overnight until he was stable enough to be sent home. I was fortunate to be able to take that Friday off from work so I got a long weekend with him.

At 3:55 AM in the morning on Tuesday, January 16th, Reggie died. What horrible way to spend the beginning days of 2007.

While these same days of 2008 will be painful reminders of last year, I hope that they will also bring a positive outlook for the coming year. We all have our crosses to bear, this is one of mine.

The Last Song

How embarrassing is this?

So I'm sitting here in my office working away in a good mood. I got to the gym even though it was questionable that I would make it, it’s sunny out, and I’m just happy that I have a long weekend coming up.

Since I didn’t bring my iPod to work today (I didn’t think I’d be in the office), I pulled out a copy of a CD I have here and started listening to that. The album is Run Away by JTL (제이티엘), a hip hop group out of Korea. So I'm half listening to the album rocking away when the forth song starts to play. Now, I have not heard this album in almost a year so I didn’t really pay that much attention to the song… until the refrain.

Out of the blue, the refrain starts and without warning, I start to cry. I’m like, “What the fuck!” Then I recognized it. This was the song that I played in my car every time I took Reggie to the vet. The reason I used this song was that it has a soothing quality to it and I also can sing the words (I don’t speak Korean but I can sing some of it). Anyway, the combination of my voice (in a lower octave than the song) and the ballad of the song always calmed Reggie down since he despised riding in the car.

My god, this was the last song Reggie heard. The morning before he died, I took him to the vet with this on the car radio. OK, now I’m depressed.

Isn’t it interesting how we associate memories with music. I had forgotten all about this song and the meaning behind it but my subconscious remembered.

If interested, here is the song (in low flv quality).

The Danger of Reopening Old Wounds

As this year nears its end and the sun shines less during the day, I find myself not able to be distracted like I was during the summer. As a result, I am starting to feel the loss of my cat again.

It seems like I am reminded almost weekly of Reggie now. I still miss him. Who would have thought that almost a year after his death the wounds of that loss would not have fully healed? Apparently, some still have a thin scab and are easily reopened.

With the cold of winter closing in, the nights are sometimes quite lonely without that fur ball curled up on the bed next to me.

Reggie: Pet Food Recall (Update)

I finally heard back from Hills about Reggie’s untimely demise. They have determined that they are not responsible for his renal failure. Apparently, the food I bought was from a batch before the tainted ingredients were involved.

I realize that renal failure is common in cats but it’s still hard to deal with sometimes. With the guilt of thinking I didn’t do enough to keep him healthy coming back, you’d think I was Catholic after all; now where did I put those Rosary Beads.

Anyway, there you have it; the final word.

Reggie: Pet Food Recall

Well, it looks like Reggie is a victim of the tainted pet food. He was on Prescription Diet™ m/d™ Feline dry food.

I have contacted Hills in an attempt to get my vet bills reimbursed. They took my information but I have not heard back from them yet. I really can’t put a price on the “pain and suffering” that I went through during the first part of this year but I can put a price on what the Vets charged me; I even have receipts proving it.

Anyway, it really sucks that he had to die prematurely. But this information takes away much of the self doubt that I had.

Reggie: In Memoriam (1993 - 2007)

On Tuesday, January 16 2007 at 3:50 am, my cat of 14 years passed away due to complications from Feline Chronic Renal Failure (kidney failure).

He was diagnosed on Saturday, January 6th and spent the next five days at an emergency animal hospital. I brought him home on Thursday, January 11 and was able to spend the following four days with him. Though weak from his ordeal at the hospital (he's always hated the vet) he was quite happy to be home and would purr even if you'd just glance at him. I am thankful that I got to spend that time with him.

In September of 1993, I adopted Reggie from the pound. He and his siblings had been picked up in a field as strays and were very young. What separated him from the rest of the kittens was that he was totally black (except for a small white patch on his chest) and quite rambunctious.

Except for one scare in 1999, he was a healthy cat, albeit an overweight cat (uh, I mean “big boned”).

As with all pets, he had quite the personality. The cutest thing he’d do was to crawl under the covers of the bed to sleep. I’d come home and find this ball curled up in my bed. Of course I’d wake him up by sliding my hand under the covers to pet him (which would make him purr like there was no tomorrow).

Tuesday, I was awakened to my worst fear; Reggie was in his final minutes. My god! That is the hardest thing to watch because there is nothing that can be done. Amid the fresh snow falling and my constant convulsions of emotion, I drove his body one last time to the emergency hospital for cremation. His ashes are being sent to Eastern Washington where they will be sprinkled in an orchard; such is the circle of life.

So it is with a heavy heart that I say a final goodbye to my friend and companion. Rest in peace Reggie, you are already missed.